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Graffiti Archive 2
Archived February 20, 1999

Url Ratz's bathroom comments on the Impeachment Trial:

It's a darn good thing that President Clinton was aquitted because if he hadn't been, it was only a matter of time until Kenneth Starr's investigators uncovered the fact that I went to kindergarten with Vince Foster in Hope, Arkansas. Then, after Starr's office spent a couple of years and around 80 million dollars, they would have discovered that I used to sell comic books on the sidewalk outside my house on Main Street for ten cents each and that I never did collect or report sales tax. Since this is at least as serious as being seduced, I could have become the focus of this entire impeachment investigation. Hopefully, the Senate would have cut me a little slack, like they did for Bill. And, thankfully, the grown-ups in the Senate ended up having the last word, instead of the reincarnated Salem witch prosecuters who were willing to put the Nation (and their careers--sob) on the line.

To save the Nation from future House of Representative titty-baby fits, I've developed three simple guidlines for determining if a President's actions are dangerous enough to consider impeachment and removing him from office.

(1) If the vote for impeachment in the House of Representatives is split along party lines, it's a bogus, time-wasting, partisan, self-serving attempt to get rid of a political foe.

(2) If the vote for impeachment in the House of Representatives is split along party lines, with one or two representatives from the President's party crossing over to the other side, it's a bogus, time-wasting, partisan, self-serving attempt to get rid of a political foe.

(3) If close to an equal number of Democrats and Republicans think that the Nation is in danger and that the President should be removed, then something real serious is going on and maybe it's worth spending a million or two.

Listening to the Republicans express such surprise and disbelief over the fact that the President lied just made me retch. As a matter of fact, that's why I'm in the bathroom. Do these politicians think that we don't know that they're all a bunch of lying hypocrits? One moment please... AURRRUUUuuK-aghnnn-ptuie. Excuse me. Sorry about that.

So, according to the Republicans in the House of Representatives, we're supposed to believe that 100% of all the Democrats are:
(1) too stupid to realize that the Nation is in danger, or
(2) traitors who would destroy the Nation rather than remove a despot.

Another option occurs to me:
A bunch of desperate President-haters go for their one shot, no matter how slim it is, and embark on a selfish, partisan, blood-thirsty, vindictive, self-serving agenda.

Nothing personal, time to move on, as the politicians say. Time for healing.

I feel I can relax a little now, confident that my comic book empire will remain buried in the past. But if I see Kenneth Starr deposing six-year-olds on the sidewalk, I'm taking a long vacation to Denmark.

These opinions are those of a known and self-admitted rat. Cafe management does not claim any responsibity for his actions or opinions.