Editor's note: Even though Url thought this was a real western town on the outskirts of Santa Fe, New Mexico, it's actually Eaves Movie Ranch, a movie set that was built about fifty years ago and is still being used today by Hollywood film crews. Here at the Cafe, we've discovered that it's better if we just leave him alone and let him continue to make a fool of himself. Having said that, here's our resident rodent to tell about Url's Movie Ranch Visit.

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If I hadn't seen this town with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it was real. I decided to poke around and see if it was a friendly town.

The streets were empty except for the occasional gunslinger and an outlaw or two. I didn't like the way they looked at me, but then I never like the way anyone looks at me, gunslinger or not. The dude in the fancy hat said something tacky about my tail being the scraggliest thang anyone had ever dragged across the street, then laughed at me. I decided to go shopping for some bullets at the General Store.

Surprisingly, there were some lady-folks hangin' out at the ice cream parlor, slammin' back chocolate popsicles. I asked this lady where the nearest Internet Cafe was. She said her mom owned one just down the street.

I made a dash down the street, hoping to find the Internet cafe before the bad guys decided to have a rat barbeque and a hoe down in the middle of my face.

As I scampered down the street, the guys in front of the dance hall asked me if I'd rather eat lead or shine their boots. Duh.

After I "polished off" those creeps, I continued on to the Internet cafe. "Sorry kid," the owner said. "I'm taking my daughter to the train so she can get out of this small bandwidth town. I advise you to do the same."

About that time, an executive of the local telephone monopoly approached me on the street. He said "If you don't like the bandwidth here, maybe y'all shoulda deregulated my phone company while you had the chance! Now we're gonna make ya pay by not offering you affordable state-of-the-art technology! Not even ISDN!"

The street was dead silent. I was really steamed because I hate being blackmailed with technology. All of a sudden, both of us "slapped leather" and a hail of bullets broke the silence.

When the smoke cleared, no one was hurt, but the telephone executive had fainted. "Shame on you and your kind" I said. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before you try to blackmail a fellow rodent!" When I realized that I was a hero, my knees grew weak and I fell flat on my back. When the townfolk came out to help me, I started thinking about future travel plans.

The Internet cafe owner came to the train station to bid me farewell. I like her, but I couldn't believe how emotional she was as she said goodbye, especially since she'd known me for less than five minutes. I guess us hero types affect women that way.

Just as the train was about to pull out of the station, the sheriff came on board, cuffed me, and said "I hear tell you're the rat that's been polishin' boots without a license. Come with me son." I did my time without complaining and made friends with the guy in the adjoining cell. He didn't talk much, but I could tell that my non-stop chatter cheered him up.

Someday, after this town gets fibre optic cable installed, I just might come back. And you can bet good money that a certain Internet cafe owner will be waiting for me.

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